Dear Santa - One Last Gift for Everyone

With the holidays upon us, I thought I would lend a helping hand.  Tis the season to pitch in and make yourself feel good about ignoring those in need for the past eleven months.  So, I thought I would volunteer my services to and finish up those last-minute gift ideas for you.  The ones that you forgot you needed or were just too shy to ask.  Everyone has their list for Santa Claus.  You may not want to admit it, but you do.  Some of these suggestions are semi-serious, some are light hearted.  None of these deal with particularly heavy subjects.  Without further ado, here are my additions to everyone’s Christmas lists.

Dear Santa,  

For every middle-aged office worker who goes to the holiday party thinking, “I can still tie one on like I’m in my twenties” I wish for them a little common sense.  The sad truth is, you can’t.  Slow down and realize, the consequences you are facing once you walk back into the office Monday morning.  Even if you can still bend your elbow with the best of them, you will probably make a complete ass out of yourself.  Then, when the holiday party is cancelled next year for “budgetary” reasons, everyone will be looking at you.  Moderation is the key my friends.

For the movie industry, I wish for a new idea so we can move on from super heroes.  Yes, I know the masked and caped dual identity do-gooders make billions for Hollywood.  I know there are millions of fans out there who wait with great anticipation for the next one, but come on already.  First, how many times can we go back to the well with the big three.  Batman, Superman, and Spiderman have been done to death.  Second, does every legend of comic book lore need to make it to the silver screen?  How long until the Wonder Twins are touching rings?  Please, studio executives, implore your writers to create something new.

For the music industry, I would like to gift you with forgetting you ever found auto-tune.  This device has made many a so-called singer a star.  If this is truly the music industry and you are supposed to have talent to succeed, then go sign talent.  I have grown so tired of hearing everyone’s voices digitally adjusted I want to scream.  A completely pitch perfect scream, mind you.  Let’s face facts here.  I can sing well enough to get close to a melody.  Should I be a rock star?  Hell no.  If your artist cannot sing on key, or in Randy Jackson’s favorite criticism, “A little pitchy”, don’t sign them.  Look a little harder, dig a little deeper and find singers.  By the way, if some of the stars currently on the charts can really sing, we can’t tell.  Let their talent shine.  Please.

For Facebook, Twitter, and all other social media companies.  A series of pre-post buttons.  These buttons are created for the sanity of everyone OTHER than the person posting. 

1.      Are you sure you want to post this now?

2.      Did you check it for spelling and grammar? (Not that anyone cares about this any longer.)

3.      Is this a photo you will regret posting later? (Like when you interview for that next job.)

4.      No, really, you need to re-read this post. 

5.      Okay, but you will rue the day….

One can only hope this will still stop those who did not get the memo that duckface and deuces has gone out of style.  Maybe the complexity of the posting will eliminate some of the drunken 3:00 AM rants about how Tom Brady got screwed or how the draft (pick our sport) is rigged.  I think this one is a lost cause though.  This may be out of Father Christmas’ wheelhouse. 

For all students, I would like to clear a few things up.  Wikipedia is not a legitimate reference tool.  Pi is not 3.  Physical education does not involve video games.  There are fifty states. Benjamin Franklin did not “invent” electricity.  Not everything needs to be abbreviated.  If you are young and were offended by this because you know better, thank you.  You are the ones I want caring for me when I am old and cantankerous.  That may be in just a few weeks.

For the scientific community, no matter your field of expertise, my wish for you is patience.  Persons are smart, people are stupid, reactionary and unwilling to listen.  Keep working on the individuals and the people will come around.

For the sporting world, another year like the one we just had.  We saw long droughts end, old favorites ride off into the sunset, and unexpected champions the world over (yes, you Leicester City and Ottawa). The global community came together again for more successful events.  As long as you keep thinking of the fans in the seats, at home and in person, your game will improve.   Kudos to the NBA and MLB for keeping the peace and the game on the field.

For everyone who is addicted to social media, a book.  A book is like Twitter if you didn’t have a character limit, had spell check, full words, no hashtags, coherent thoughts, sensibility, and a point.

For people who do not text and drive, a forcefield to keep those who do away from us.  If you are a person who texts and drives, stop.  You are not as good at it as you think.  I know, you think you are the exception.  You are not, you suck at it.  Stop.

For all the people in any store who feels like they have the entire place to themselves, awareness.  No, you cannot park your cart on one side of the aisle, stand on the other and pretend that no one else is trying to get past you.  Wake up and smell the frustration. 

To certain hipsters, a bar of soap and some shampoo.  You know who you are.

For our heroes, the real ones, our first responders and members of the military, safety.  Enough said.

For every shelter animal, everywhere, a forever home.

For NASA, ESA, RSA, and every other space agency, courage to take the next step. 

For the medical community, more power to heal.  More and better research that will lead to cures and treatments. 

For all those celebrities who are famous for being famous, self-respect and humility.  Your self-esteem should not rely on us. Because we only need you until the next thing comes along.  Get a grip.

For Minor League Baseball, better name choices.  Jumbo Shrimp, Baby Cakes, really?!?

For those who take everything too seriously, a laugh.  You can still be a crusader and take a moment to smell the flowers.

For those who take nothing seriously, a sense of responsibility.  Some of us are getting tired of carrying you.

To everyone, a happy holiday.  No matter if it is religious or secular, I hope it is healthy and safe for you and your family.

Sincerely,

The Well-Rounded Individual

2016 - It Wasn't So Bad Afterall

 As we wind down 2016 and look back on what seems like a dumpster fire of a year, I want to stop and look around for a few moments.  We are all too familiar with all of the contentious, sad and maddening events of the past year.  You know what I am talking about.  I will not soil my post with mentioning even a one of them.  Instead, I want to take a look at what went right in the world this past year.  Believe it or not, it was some pretty great stuff.

I am going to fire off a long list of people and their accomplishments and achievements.  I am going to start with the most obvious place for celebration, sports.  I also want to cover many other fields that have achieved milestones that may have flown under your radar.  I am sure I am going to miss many, many topics and people along the way, but here is my list to make you feel better about 2016.

Athletic Achievements

Michael Phelps becoming the most decorated Olympian in his final games.  But, he handed the swimming torch over to Katie Ledecky who has a bright future.   

Brazil and Germany took home the Football (Soccer) golds.  Impressive wins for traditional powers. 

The US Women’s Gymnastics Team was spectacular.  Simone, Gabby, Aly, and the team, Brava!

Kimia Alizadeh whose sport is Taekwondo, became the first Iranian woman to bring home an Olympic medal.  Take the advances where you can find them.

Golf returned to the Olympics.  Justin Rose and Inbee Park brought an end to a century old drought for the game.

South African sprinter, Wayde van Niekerk shattered Michael Johnson’s world record for the 400 meters. 

Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, did what has never been done before.  He won the 100 meters for a third time.  He was so impressive in doing so, I would not be surprised to see him in his trademark bow pulling stance four years from now.

The Pittsburgh Penguins raised the Stanley Cup again adding another title for the City of Champions. 

Peyton Manning and a suffocating Broncos Defense brought a Super Bowl win back to Denver. 

Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers brought a championship back to the city for the first time in 52 years.  There is still hope Indians fans.

Leicester City FC broke through to take the Premier League championship in what could be the greatest upset in league History.

Real Madrid came away with an impressive and record setting eleventh UEFA Cup.

Kris Bryant, Javier Baez, Ben Zobrist, and the Chicago Cubs broke the curse of the billy-goat and about a dozen other self-inflicted curses with a World Series victory.  They have a great foundation and have the opportunity to keep this going for a while.

Serena Williams added another Wimbledon title to her record setting collection of major wins. 

In men’s golf, Danny Willett, Dustin Johnson, Henrik Stenson, and Jimmy Walker all became first time major champions.  Everyone had unique stories and are forces to be reckoned with in the future.

Not to be outdone on the women’s side, Lydia Ko, Brooke Henderson, Brittany Lang, Ariya Jutanugarn, and Chun In-gee showed that they can do it too with four first time major winners.  The women’s field is opening up and getting much deeper than it has ever been.

Jimmie Johnson joined an exclusive club as one of only three men with seven NASCAR championships.

Nico Rosberg brought home his first Formula 1 championship for Mercedes and Germany.

Medical Advances

Johns Hopkins University is leading the way with brain controlled prosthetics.  New technology has been developed that will allow fine motor skills. They are also getting close to replicating the sense of touch through artificial limbs.

Nano Retina has developed a sophisticated chip that can restore eyesight to people who have been declared legally blind.  The can bring an individual with sight of 20/200 bac to near 20/20. 

Hongjie Dai and his team at Stanford University have developed long lasting batteries meant for use in internal devices such as pacemakers that will allow patients to live without replacements for up to several years more than current devices.

Researchers at MIT and Harvard University are closing in on what they believe is a potential cure for diabetes.

Scientific Advances

Computer Scientists at Brown University are developing technology that will allow robots to learn from one another.  This will remove the burden of programming each one individually.  Robots can be taught their own tasks and will in turn cross-train their peers. 

Paleoanthropologist Lee Berger took a random discovery of two South African spelunkers and proved their find was evidence of a new species of human beings.  This could fill in many gaps in human evolution.

Astronomers at Cal Tech presented evidence of a ninth planet in our solar system orbiting our sun every 15,000 years.

Researchers at Rutgers and Stanford Universities developed a means to inject healthy nerve tissue into the brain to treat Parkinson’s Disease.  Successes in mouse trials could lead to human trials within the next ten years.

NASA has completed the James Webb Space Telescope.  Launching in 2018 it will replace the Hubble Space Telescope and provide greater detail and a look even deeper into space.

Through conservation efforts the Giant Panda, West Indian Manatee, Arabian Oryx, Louisiana Black Bear, Amur Tiger and several other animals have been removed from the endangered species list.  There is still a long way to go, but these are positive steps.

Centenarians

Kirk Douglas turned 100 this week.  If a plane crash, a massive stroke and acting with Arnold can’t stop him, nothing will.  Happy Birthday!

The National Park Service turned 100 this year.  If you realize it or not, you have probably enjoyed time at a site run by the NPS.  Here’s to 100 more (at least).

The first Charlie Chaplin films were released in 1916.  Yes, they are silent.  Yes, they are black and white.  Yes, they are still classics.

The first modern grocery store, Piggly Wiggly opened 100 years ago, in Memphis.  Thank them every time you walk into your local mega-mart.

The San Diego Zoo turns 100 this year.  One of the world’s premier zoological parks.

Making it halfway to the century mark in 2016 are Batman the original television series, The Beatles first American concert, and Star Trek.  Also, celebrating 50 years are Adam Sandler, Halle Berry, Kiefer Sutherland and Janet Jackson.

You see, 2016 was not completely bad.  In fact, some really great stuff happened this year.  I know I have only scratched the surface and there is much more to add, but you get my point.  You can even extract light from some of the darkness.  I know we lost many wonderful people this year.  But after the initial sadness wears off, celebrate the lives of: Arnold Palmer, Glenn Frey, David Bowie, Prince, Florence Henderson, Gene Wilder, Kenny Baker, Harper Lee, Maurice White, John Glenn and the list goes on.   In the words of Theodore “Dr. Seuss” Geisel “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

In the case of 2016, I am not going to cry.  I am going to smile because of what we have done.  For those who know me, they will see this as a positive message from a usually cynical person.  It happens occasionally.  But maybe it is because the year is ending, I am choosing to look at what we have done to move society forward.  I challenge everyone to go find one new thing you did not know about that went well this year.  Hold on to it and carry it into the new year. 

Cuisineist - The New Food Word for the Rest of Us

I am going to just come out and say it, I love food.  There it is.  I love to eat good food, I love to cook.  I am an obsessive viewer of Food Network and The Cooking Channel.  I enjoy the science involved in cooking.  If you were not paying attention in class, cooking is science.  I enjoy the art of plating and presentation.  I am intrigued by the history of food and how dishes evolved or became associated with a culture or a city.  But, I am not really sure of what to call myself these days.  I could be a foodie, gastronome, epicurean, gourmand, bon vivant, or even a connoisseur.  

The term foodie is thrown about but I don’t associate myself with the crowd that is currently coupled with the word.  I will make a point to seek out a restaurant or cuisine while traveling. However, I have never traveled for the food as foodies will.  I have never pulled out my cell phone, snapped a picture of my untouched meal and immediately launched it into cyberspace so anyone who knows me can see that I am enjoying something they are not.  I will not thumb my nose at someone else’s dining experience.  What I like may not be to your taste so I will not tell you what you should, or worse, should not like.  I am not above food because eating something pedestrian may damage my reputation as a foodie.  No, I no longer think I am a foodie and have distanced myself from the word.

Gastronome and the others, while dedicated to the food and not the circus around it, are routinely associated with fine dining.  I am no stranger to Lobster Newburg, rack of lamb, or Cornish game hen.  But at the same time, I have a deep appreciation for what would be considered common food.  I love a big plate of pasta and meatballs. Chiles rellenos has become a favorite of mine.  Nothing can beat a well-made beautiful lump crab cake.  Foodies and gastronomes alike will find these appetizing if the presentation is right, the name on the door is one worth repeating, or the Chef preparing it has the right cache.  But these terms still elude me because I relish the opportunity to dive into a plate of wings, I have tried slices from more pizza shops than I can remember and Lord knows I have polished off more than one human’s share of cheese steaks.  No, these terms don’t fit me either.  

Do I like sharing my food experiences?  Yes.  I do talk with a few people at work who know I cook and discuss meals occasionally.  They always ask about holiday meals.  Since I only cook for my wife and myself, we have always gone the non-traditional route on holidays.  For instance, this Thanksgiving, I made fettucine with Cajun shrimp, Brussels sprouts and bacon, and a spinach tort.  Gasp all you want, we enjoyed it.  We do not miss the turkey and the cleanup is so much easier.  We also had no leftovers.  I love a turkey sandwich the day after Thanksgiving as much as the next person, but not for weeks.  It is only two of us. 

Yes, I have a Yelp account but I use it almost exclusively for places that I enjoy. I have only given poor reviews to a small handful of eateries or coffee shops.  Those were places that appalled me and I felt compelled to share more as a warning than mudslinging.  None of my reviews contain a photo of the perfectly molded rice pilaf, the grill marks on my fillet, or the foam on my latte.  In my review of the place I always remark about the staff and service.  I comment about the atmosphere and mention what I had.  I will give basic descriptions but I do not feel compelled to detail the number of flecks of freshly ground black pepper appearing on my carrots.  I want to praise the experience, not dwell on what some do.  “My tomato slice was askew on top of my burger, ruining my experience.”  Yes, this is a real review I happened upon while looking for a good burger. 

Let me stop and break that down for a moment.  I am eating at a burger joint.  I am so caught up in my foodie experience that I consider my experiences ruined because a slice of fruit was off center when presented to me at the table. (Yes, a tomato is botanically a fruit, not a vegetable.)  In the words of one of my favorite literary characters, and apropos for the season, “Bah humbug”.  Enjoy the damn burger.  If it was anything like mine, it was cooked perfectly.  Just another reason why I am searching for another term for myself. 

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.  What to call myself. 

I do consider myself an adventurous eater.  Not in the way we consider Andrew Zimmern adventurous though.  I love to try new cuisines.  In my lifetime, I have been fortunate not only to know a widely diverse cross section of people, but to consider them friends enough to become exposed to their culture.  Through these great people, I was able to sample the home version of their cuisine.  I do like to try new restaurants, but keep in mind, they cater to the customers and can stray from their roots.  More on that later.  Tasting the home version, you get the real deal.  I have tried and loved Korean, Tanzanian, Indian, Brazilian, Greek, Filipino, Italian, Puerto Rican, French, Mexican and in my own household Polish and Ukrainian. I cannot begin to tell you how great each of these experiences were and how each opened my eyes wider to the world.  There is also nothing like a meal cooked by someone who puts their heart into it because they want you to experience their soul, not just eat dinner. 

I mentioned more on the restaurant experience.  Well, I came to learn as I compared these wonderful meals to their cultural counterpart restaurants that the experience is not always the same.  I am not saying this is true for all ethnic based dining establishments, far from it.  But most people know that much of what you find on a Chinese menu is either Americanized, or developed here from the start.  I will eat many of these non-authentic dishes and enjoy every bite.  I just have to realize, when I do make it to a place that serves the real item, that it will be a different and almost always a better experience. 

Another example of this is my history with Mexican food.  I grew up in the mid-Atlantic and ate many a Mexican meal.  No, I am not talking about the fast food shops that call themselves Mexican and barely pass for food.  I mean the real restaurants that serve “authentic dishes”.  They may be well intentioned and based on a real dish, but they are tamed down or changed to suit the patrons.   My wife and I found this out first hand when we moved to the southwest and were able to taste the un-edited versions of dishes and many others that you just do not see in other areas.  The flavor profiles are so very different.  Plus, heat has a whole new meaning for us now. I am not just referring to slathering ghost chilies on some wings and making it so hot that you are not even given the chance to taste the flavor.  I am talking about using any of dozens of chilies to add beautiful depth of flavor.  At the same time, they can turn up the heat to a place that will make you sweat, but stop before you lose the burst of flavor. 

Yes, you can see I love international flavors.  But I also love the regional foods found right here in the United States.  I have done a bit of traveling over the years and have tasted many local favorites.  I have learned that what is thought to be the local hero, sometimes is not the one the locals go for.  Other times, it is most certainly the one.  The question becomes, where to get it.  If you want to know that, forget social media.  Forget what you see on television.  Ask a local.  If you don’t already know what the local favorite is, they are the ones to ask.  They also know where to go to get the best.  From my experience, that will not mean the tourist hot spots.  It usually means some local neighborhood.  These places are also not the ones with the plate photos plastered all over the internet.  They are the one who do not waste time with a garnish.  Don’t think that means the presentation will not be spectacular.  If my senses go into overdrive when the plate hits the table, you’ve got a great presentation.  I need the look and smell to get the juices flowing so the taste sends it over the top. That is a meal!

So back to how to classify myself.  Foodie has moved away from me.  Gastronome, epicure and the like seem to only work for the haute cuisine.  I am not a glutton or debauchee, they seem too far in the other direction.  I need something in the middle.  Something that speaks to who I am.  I enjoy an aged porterhouse and a ballpark hot dog.  Clam chowder is every bit as delectable as she-crab soup.  Haluski, cioppino, lamb tagine, and sushi all make my mouth water.  I love the experience but I certainly do not need Cirque-de-Dinner.  I am also perfectly content to talking about my meal with only my wife, not all of Instagram and Twitter.  No term seems to fit me today. 

Maybe I need to invent my own word. 

Cuisineist.   I looked and it doesn’t appear that anyone has claimed this one yet.  It speaks to food.  The breadth of cultural possibilities.  Neither chichi nor too guttural.  I like it.  We’ll see if I can make it stick.

While I work on my new cultural revolution, I will keep cooking for my lovely wife.  She is a cuisineist like me.  She usually loves what I create.  I will continue tasting and enjoying new and different dishes from anywhere and everywhere.  I will remain faithful to my television favorites: Alton, Sunny, Aaron, Cat, Ann, Alex, Guy, GZ, Marc, Emeril, Jet, Ree, Scott, Chris, Curtis, Susan, Mary Sue, Masaharu, Simon, Ted, Marcus, Mario, Michael, Ingrid, Carla, Andrew, and my first TV cooking favorite Graham along with several more that have slipped my mind.  I will also think fondly of my other two early television influences, Julia and Paul.  I can’t leave out my first culinary influence, my Mom.  She stood and watched me stand on a stool to make my first ever meal, scrambled eggs.  She coached me but allowed me to do it myself.  From there I was off and running. 

Hmm, Cuisineist, I think I like it.